Demographic Profile Seeks Product

Here’s why creative people shouldn’t get paid by the hour: there’s no reward for being ahead of your time. Stop wasting time. Time is money, so waste that instead, because it’s only money! First item up for bids: my demographic profile. What would you give me for an 18-24 year old who’s into action sports, movies and video games?

DEMOGRAPHIC PROFILE SEEKS PRODUCT
Willing to attend focus groups. Have been known to overlook a percentage or two. Will alter statistics to find a match. Sorry, not willing to change tax brackets.

If money doesn’t grow on trees, than why do we refer to it as the fruit of our labor? Oh, I get it. Since it doesn’t grow on trees, we've been forced to speak in metaphors, fantasizing about a system of currency which grows and ripens the harder we work. This just in: The harder you work, the richer you get! (It's that one American Dream that really just means "yea, keep dreamin.") It's actually more expensive to be poor. Banks charge you more in interest and offer you lower APRs. If you don't have enough money to pay a bill, they charge you more. I love that.

So, in reality, the American motto is, "Make money, but don’t get caught."

Buying time should be a crime, because only rich people would be able to afford it, and they’d be trapped in the paradox of having no time to enjoy it. If time was money, they would just end up spending it to buy more time. Assholes. I wish my paradoxes were that simple.

My Wallet Is My Weapon

Since money doesn't exist and it has been reduced to a number on a computer somewhere, that must mean we should all befriend a computer hacker or two. But how could we ever repay them? Brother, can you spare some time? I hear time is money these days, so if we're not careful, it too will be converted to ones and zeroes and controlled by the people with the biggest marketing budget. By marketing budget, I am referring to psychological warfare. There actually IS a war on for your mind and you are losing. The war metaphor is all over the marketing jargon:

Your market is being targeted, your actions controlled, your conversion rate measured, your eyeballs blasted. Plans are drawn up in war rooms. You have been caught up in the net. The installed base (of operations) has been leading to greater market penetration. The analysis guides the strategy. The sales force is strong and it will be hitting the pavement if the viral marketing doesn't spread like wildfire.

Luckily, there is a halo effect, 'cause this stuff is habit-forming.

Maybe when we grow up and some jerk tells us there is no such thing as money, we'll cry like we did for Santa Claus and the Jesus Bunny. Good thing money is kept alive by beliefs, much like fairies, because it gives all the white-collar criminals something to steal from us. "I do believe in money. I do I do."